Entries Tagged 'Audio & Podcasts' ↓

NOTE:The audio and podcast links provided by Everything True are pulled from RSS feeds. If it happens that our source providers do not have any audio or podcast files relating to a particular keyword then the post will be left blank. We apologize for this inconvenience.

NOTE:The audio and podcast links provided by Everything True are pulled from RSS feeds. If it happens that our source providers do not have any audio or podcast files relating to a particular keyword then the post will be left blank. We apologize for this inconvenience.

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 149

Croncast - 2005-12-04.mp3

Show: #191
Length: 43:51
Size: 30.1 mb
Format: mp3

Croncast - Betsy and her husband Kris 149

Show Notes

Betsy all dressed up, well looking good
Fourth attem[t to beat Maggie at screaming game
Elliot lost his head yesterday
Staying childless . . . wishing
The size of his head
This week at Goodwill
Size 8 suit for the man
It was for an 8 petit
Now he’s got a size 12 suit
What size is a first grader
The holiday season picks up as donations increase
Tax deduction time
People want the DVD, you want the DVD
Two good weeks of shipping left for Holiday season
Kris with a “K’ says perfect for Kwanza
There will be no Kwanza deal
Betsy will rock the open of Goodwill today
Nagging wives say clean up
Kris buys a PSP for his inner child
Ages 6 and up
I am in love with it, I have no games for it
Instead I have Beavis and Butthead Mike Judge UMD
Betsy still has tags from her inner child shopping spree
Watching “What not to Wear” and you realize you are the person
Zip up mommy fo-track suit
Advice for the Fluffy crowd
Waiting in line at the mall
Letting handicap people go first
Differently abled they are now
6′2 skinny women don’t get the concept
Ladies up to size 16
Women start at 16W
W = WIDE
The differences are amazing
Sticking your finger down your throat if you’re bigger than a size 10
Attack in the face with gold cleats
Betsy’s Acne prejudice
It didn’t dissolve into a crying session
Coming home in tears? Nope
Shopping for Carla
What brand is it?
You wouldn’t sell a knock off purse
Up in the air about it
One size smaller
Regular department
The old lady bedalzed clouds section
“Your Area” for “Your people”
Blue hairs buying undies
The Ruth Maclellan line
What’s wrong with blue hairs and apricots
Not caring any more
Stuff wasn’t on sale at JC Penny
The trendy under 30 fluffy mommies
Betsy is fighting turning 30 next month
Spending $300 on her clothes
I buy her the clothes and Sean Paul buys my PSP
Buying before you have
Paul Wall bought me a new hard drive
Da Backwudz bought something but I forgot it
Sacramento, brown and cold looks just like here
It was weird but with homeless people
One homeless guy in Naperville
Token crazy homeless guy hangs at Goodwill
Trying on a town or city as a new place to live
Counting pregnant 12 year olds
10 most creative cities in America according to Fast Company magazine
Men watching Hallmark movies, wives don’t tell people
“My husband loves Lifetime.”
Crying together on the couch
Read the Hallmark cards at the store
Scrapbooking is the movement
Scrapbooking is fo the 3 grader in you who likes the funny scissors
Making websites is like scrapbooking
Helping Betsy become a rich old woman
Living in a gutter eating cabbage out of a dumpster
I will make a mutt stole for you out of a German Shepherd
The trophy row
The Hippie Guy not Latino but Italian
“You’re the one who got away.”
Five minute dating
Seven minutes in heaven is different than dating
Pushing We’re Coming Over again
Reading the quotes from the back

NOTE:The audio and podcast links provided by Everything True are pulled from RSS feeds. If it happens that our source providers do not have any audio or podcast files relating to a particular keyword then the post will be left blank. We apologize for this inconvenience.

Movie Recap: Starship Troopers

I begin this recap with a short ode to the actress Dina Meyer. She who is hot and talented but cursed to appear in many a bad movie and television series because the Hollywood establishment seems unaware of both the hot and the talent she contains. Dina, whom is a crush of many a lesbian, and would be absolutely perfect for The L Word or any other lesbian project because, my god, look at her! And listen to her husky voice! What the hell is wrong with you people? Give her decent work! I’m sick of watching her in movies like Bats and D-Tox!

That being said, despite the rather simplistic and warped take on the original book it’s based on, Starship Troopers is probably one of the best projects in which Dina appears. Which is why I recap it now. Yes, I’m recapping this movie solely based on the fact she appears in it. I’m being honest about my weird love for her so it will help the healing process so lets just move on, shall we?

Imdb.com gives this to the point plot summary of the movie: Humans of a fascistic, militaristic future do battle with giant alien bugs in a fight for survival.

Wheeeeee! Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Not really but Dina Meyer is in it! Which is my motivation for starting this recap. I know, it’s sad I’m doing this but I had thought we all moved on from that. Have we moved on? We have? Fantastic! Lets look at the title sequence.

Well, that bodes well for an interesting film, don’t you think? Ehhhh. Maybe not. No worries though. Things get super funny when it immediately goes from the boring title into a propaganda news reel that is recruiting people to sign up for citizenship and fight their big bug enemies.

I particularly enjoy the "Klendathu System" "You Are Here" portion of the news reel. It makes me giggle and it points out that a good bit of this movie is satirical. At least, when it comes to the news portion. Most of it is a nice parody of the propaganda put out during the WWII period. Although they don’t have any quality stuff like, "How to brush your teeth."

Still! Given my distaste for the honest and fair news we’re getting in our current society I enjoy the poking fun at the news establishment in this movie. Which is why I enjoy this next bit quite a lot.

See above: Reporter acting like he’s doing "hard hitting" news because he’s standing around while actual soldiers fight the big bug enemies. But he’s hard hitting because he’s near the soldiers while they’re fighting and therefore that makes him equal to them. He’s risking his life by acting like a jackass, see?

See above: Big bug comes around the corner towards the reporter.

See above: 1) Top of the reporter. 2) Bottom of the reporter.

Now don’t you wish that would happen to Tucker Carlson or some other drivel spouting talking head on the news? :::Envisions a whole army of big bugs taking out everyone at Fox News::: Oh, happy days.

After the reporter dies we get introduced to our hero, Johnny Rico, who appears in the camera screaming for the stupid camera guy to get the hell out of there. He’s very emphatic about it too.

Paul Verhoeven: I need you to reflect anxiety here, Casper. Manic manly soldier anxiety.
Casper: Eeeeeee!
Paul Verhoeven: Yes, precisely.

There’s some off camera crazed shooting and some screams which sound like they’re coming from Johnny and then it goes into a drop the camera Blair Witch Project shot. Except, you know, Blair Witch Project hasn’t come out yet. So technically they totally stole this shot from Starship Troopers. Zing!

Johnny: I’m… blurrin’… outta… focus… Sarge…

What comes after such a traumatizing introduction? Well, another enthralling title sequence, of course!

I quiver with excitement. That sounds sort of dirty, doesn’t it? I take it back then. I’ll be quivering with excitement when Dina finally shows up not from these hilariously bland title sequences.

Know what else is hilarious? Johnny’s drawing skills. Instead of paying attention in class, Johnny is busy doodling a picture of what appears to be a boy and a girl. But you can judge for yourself.

Okay, so maybe he’s not that bad. He’s not that good either. Admit it! But why is it that Johnny isn’t paying attention in class? Mostly because he finds the subject boring I would suppose. I’m not sure why though. It’s a pretty interesting one, if you ask me. Want to hear about the topic of discussion from the History teacher Mr. Rasczak himself? Sure you do!

The failure of democracy, huh? I know when that happened!

Sorry, I know it’s lame and ultra liberal to do such things but… oh fuck, I’m not sorry. Plus it’s funny too. And it’s not like I called him a Nazi or anything. Yet! :::Insert swell of dramatic music:::

Lets get away from my small minded liberal George W. Bush bashing because it’s time for me to get busy quivering with excitement as we’re about to be graced with Dina’s presence for the first time in the movie. And what is splendiferous Dina playing the somewhat dorkily named Dizzy Flores doing in her first appearance?

Being super cute trying to spy on Johnny to see his bad boy/girl romance drawing. Awww, Dizzy! This scene sets up that our favorite girl has a crush on the earnest but decidedly dimwitted hero of the film. Which is how it tends to go a lot of the time. Real life and movies alike.

Anyway, Dizzy attempts spying and Johnny hides his masterpiece from her. Which turns out to be an animation of the boy and girl getting closer until they end up making out.

He then sends this to his girlfriend, Carmen Ibanez, who smirks then edits the animation and sends it right back his way. Except with not nearly as romantic an ending as before.

Ohhh, burn! This is the first sign we get that Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny. I was parodying a self help book for heterosexual women in the dating scene in case you have no clue about that joke. What? It’s a real book! Check it out.

I wonder if they have a male counterpart for this book that Johnny can purchase? Because I think the poor guy would get good use out of it later on in life. That’s unless he magically is able to see which hot girls really and truly like him and which ones just find him an amusing little jaunt. And Carmen?

Yeah, she’s on a jaunt.

They’re soon making out like the original animation entails and I guess it’s more like Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny’s Brain. Which, honestly, I can’t blame her. But it’s really sad when you’re playing a character dumber than someone played by Denise Richards. How dumb is Johnny, you wonder?

:::Stretches her arms out wide as they can reach::: Thissssssssss dumb!

Johnny got a 35% on his Math Final in case you can’t read around his big dumb head. Poor Johnny. I actually do feel sorry for him since his math score was normal sized until his best friend Carl showed up and decided to put it on the big screen. I describe him as best friend loosely. You know, the high school version. Which basically means you hang out a lot together but you don’t really share all that much in terms of your hopes, dreams, and all that jazz. But you do drink beer.

Now that they’re done humiliating poor Johnny it’s time to head off to science class which is being taught by a blind and creepy looking Rue McClanahan aka Blanche from The Golden Girls. I’m not sure why but I find her performance pretty hilarious. Just check out this line from her…

I can’t explain why that line makes me giggle so much but it does. I’ve come to grips with that fact and so should you. Just like Carmen should come to grips with the fact she’s a big wussy who can’t take dissecting a few giant bugs. The reason I find this scene a good smack down for Carmen is she spent the scene before talking about the nerves of steel future pilots, meaning her, need to have. Plus she also had a self superior smirk on her face when seeing Johnny’s low math score.

Not so superior now are we Miss Pukes-A-Lot?

As a side note, I have to mention how hilarious Dizzy looks in the background cracking up at Carmen’s obvious misery. Carl looks a combination of curious and disdainful. While Rue just appears perplexed about how cutting open a giant bug would cause anyone to barf.

The fun of science class and Carmen humiliating herself soon ends and we’re joined by Johnny and Carl doing what appears to be a psychic abilities test. One which Johnny is flunking badly. Basically Johnny stares at the back of the card, supposedly concentrates, and tries to see what is. Either Johnny isn’t psychic or he’s not able to concentrate because he gets the damn test wrong time after time.

During the psychic midterm Carl’s pet ferret shows up and crawls all over the computer keyboard and generally is cute and extremely ferret like. While Johnny is amused by this, Carl wants to continue with his testing and orders his pet away with some telepathic guidance.

Something which is altogether cool but disturbing at the same time and reminds me of a modern day figure who gets paid to do the same thing on television.

What? Don’t tell me it doesn’t freak you out a little when Cesar Milan inexplicably gets those dogs to obey! I think he’s got freaky dog telepathy powers. Dog Whisperer, indeed. Dog Psychic more like it.

Once we’re done witnessing the power of Carl’s ferret mind control it’s time to go to something which is a tradition for any movie featuring teenagers. Even ones set in a militaristic future where they battle big alien bugs for survival. What’s that? The big game!

Yes, it’s time to watch Johnny playing future football and he’s doing quite a good job of it too. That’s until he spots his girlfriend busy flirting with a player from the opposite team on the sidelines. Again, I reiterate the fact that Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny.

See Johnny burning with jealousy! And Dizzy being hot as hell as the quarterback.

Watch Carmen being a bad girlfriend and flirt with the enemy!

Witness and hear Dizzy’s hilarious smack down of Johnny! Bwahahahaha. Sorry, but that was both the hottest and funniest thing ever. Especially her last facial expression. Ah, how I love butch women.

Me loving butch women is also why I captured the above shots of Dizzy easily taking out two of the opposing players who attempt to tackle her. :::Sigh::: Why can’t I be born in a militaristic future with Dizzy where they battle big alien bugs for survival? God hates me I guess.

God also hates Johnny’s football enemies because his team wins the big game which means it’s time to move to the other timeless teenager tradition. The Prom!

Awww, isn’t Johnny handsome? But what the hell is this movie turning into anyway? Fast Times At Ridgemont High In Space? Wait, they’re not in space. Whatever. You get the bad joke. I’m starting to get sick of this damn teen drama stuff though. I want to move onto the bug killing already!

I take it back. Space, errr, future Prom is a fabulous thing. Especially since it features Dizzy wearing that dress. If you can’t tell, Dizzy is on the hunt and yes, predictably she’s hunting for Johnny. When Carmen runs off to schmooze with some random student whose brother is in her precious flight academy Dizzy moves in for the kill and finagles a dance out of the reluctant hero.

Again, I reiterate Dizzy is very obviously hot for Johnny. And that Johnny is a fucking moron for not realizing this is a girl who actually likes him and not one that looks down on him as a handsome but dimwitted sex toy. Dizzy for some odd reason thinks the bastard has depth.

The scene is altogether hot if only for the expression Dizzy wears while dancing with Johnny and the strangely hypnotic future pop music playing. I really love the music in this scene and I feel oddly driven to figure out the band responsible.

Something else that makes it hot is the fact that Johnny asks Dizzy if she’s going to attend college in Buenos Aires or Tokyo. Dizzy replies that probably Buenos Aires unless Tokyo lets her be a starter. Ohhhh yes, people, Dizzy is on scholarship for playing future college football! I’m sorry, but that’s fucking hot in its butchness. I loves it.

Dizzy: Take me, Johnny! Can’t you see I’m sultry for you?
Johnny: I’m sorry, Dizzy. I have to go. I think I hear Carmen directing veiled insults at me from a distance.

Like the sympathetic madly in love girl that she is, Dizzy allows Johnny to venture off but not in search of Carmen but the History teacher Mr. Rasczak with whom he wishes to discuss his future. Dizzy looks hotly depressed for a few moments then Carl shows up and does a funny little dance and forever endears himself to me for the way he makes Dizzy smile.

If that’s not the cutest thing ever, I dunno what is. Okay, maybe like… a field full of puppies romping together is cuter. But still, it’s pretty damn cute if you ask me.

It’s a hell of a lot cuter than the display of jealousy we see from Dizzy when she and Carl dance near the now making out Johnny and Carmen.

Dizzy: Are you a moron? Just because she’s making out with you doesn’t change the fact that she’s just not that into you, Johnny.
Johnny: Who isn’t just that into me?
Carl: Man, he’s stupid.
Carmen: Would the both of you please go away? I’m trying to weave a web of seduction here that will make him my brainless love slave.

Why are Carmen and Johnny making out? Oh, just because Johnny’s decided to follow in his girlfriend’s footsteps and sign up for federal service. And it says something about Carmen that her immediate reaction on hearing that is to be thrown into a tizzy of lust.

Carmen: You’ve bowed down completely to my way of thinking, changed the course of your entire life simply to please me, risked being disowned by your parents, and possibly being killed in battle by big alien bugs. Therefore, I will finally allow you to have sex with me tonight.
Johnny: Score!

Predictably, Johnny’s rich parents aren’t too happy he signed up for federal service and once Johnny sees his future in front of him at the recruitment center neither is he. Carmen naturally gets into the flight academy, Carl is in games & theory which is for military intelligence, and poor dumb Johnny ends up in the military infantry. The guy checking them in asks them their various assignments and gets very excited on hearing Johnny’s. Turns out he was in the infantry too. What’s left of him, that is.

If that’s not having second thoughts, I dunno what is.

Despite Johnny being confronted with a very grim and possibly limbless future, they leave the recruitment center full of cheerful teenage enthusiasm for the future. They vow to be best friends forever despite the fact they’ll probably never see each other again. Awww!

Johnny, Carmen, Carl: Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated!

We?re gonna do it!
Give us any chance, we?ll take it.
Give us any rule, we?ll break it.
We?re gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin? it our way.
Nothin?s gonna turn us back now,
Straight ahead and on the track now.
We?re gonna make our dreams come true,
Doin? it our way.
There is nothing we won?t try,
Never heard the word impossible.
This time there?s no stopping us.
We?re gonna do it.
On your mark, get set, and go now,
Got a dream and we just know now,
We?re gonna make our dream come true.
And we?ll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true,
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you.

Yes, I just typed out the lyrics for the Laverne & Shirley theme song and provided a wav of it. No, I have no idea why. That’s what popped into my head when I saw the screencap. Lets go with it, shall we? Go with it like Carmen trying to block out Johnny’s love confession when they’re soon leaving the recruitment center to their various assignments.

And sadly, that’s pretty much how the scene goes. Except Johnny manages to guilt trip a love confession out of Carmen that doesn’t seem entirely sincere. But he gets what he wanted, no matter how hollow it appears, and seems happy until Carmen is off in her shuttle and he’s once again faced with the reality of his own military assignment. Seriously, this kid is screwed.

Of course, the best way to take our minds off of Johnny’s doomed future is another hilarious propaganda news reel! Lets check it out and have ourselves a giggle.

Hee. I love me some propaganda news. When it’s not presented as reality by Fox News, that is.

What Johnny doesn’t love so much is bad ass military infantry boot camp. Especially when Dizzy shows up as a transfer into his squad. Apparently she requested to be placed with him and yes, folks, it is yet more proof that Dizzy is hot for Johnny. Too bad he’s so damn pissy about this fact.

Dizzy: Johnny! I’m still sultry for you but I’m repressing it. Can you tell? It’s why I transferred into your squad.

Johnny: I still don’t care! I sacrificed my rich boy lifestyle for Carmen’s ideals and it totally doesn’t appeal to me that you’re into me so much you requested a transfer into my squad that has the most bad ass Sergeant ever. I spurn you totally, Dizzy.

Dizzy: Since Johnny spurns me I’ll have to display my butch prowess to the rest of the squad showing them at least how fucking desirable I am. Lets fight, bad ass Sergeant Zim! Put ‘em up!

Lesbians: Damnnnnn! I want to hit that.

Johnny: I totally could’ve hit that.
Guy Standing Behind Johnny: Sheah, right.

After Dizzy’s fight with Sergeant Zim it’s chow time and Dizzy confronts Johnny about his generally pissy attitude towards her. He says that he signed up for the infantry to get out on his own. Which is a huge lie since he obviously did it for Carmen but that’s the lie he’s telling himself and he declares that he can’t be on his own if Dizzy is signing up for the infantry just to be near him.

Dizzy reacts with quiet anger at the idea she signed up for the infantry for Johnny and for some reason I find myself believing her when she says that, despite the fact that she’s totally into Johnny. I think it must be Dina Meyer’s magical skills of acting or something. Or maybe I just really want to believe Dizzy isn’t that obsessed with Johnny that she’d throw away playing hotly butch college football just to be near him killing big alien bugs.

Even if Dizzy did sign up for the infantry just to be near Johnny it doesn’t change the fact that she’s doing damn well in boot camp. Just check out her triumphant moves on the obstacle course.

This proves that even if Dizzy did sign up for the infantry for Johnny just like Johnny signed up for federal service for Carmen she’s still a better soldier than him. Plus she’s sultry so nyah on Johnny.

Later in the co-ed showers, one of the infantry guys is quizzing everyone about why they joined up and Johnny refuses to give his answer. Mostly because it would be embarrassing to admit he’s totally Carmen’s bitch and does whatever she bids of him. Dizzy saunters in casually and strips down then gets questioned about why Johnny joined up. Feeling saucy, Dizzy replies it’s for a girl.

See what I told you? Saucy Dizzy! Don’t you want to lick her up? Errr… I’ll be quiet now.

Okay, quiet time is over. Soon Johnny is sending a message to Carmen from the chaos that is the co-ed bunk house and it’s generally a pretty hilarious and cute moment with his fellow squad members goofing off behind him. My favorite is how Ace is inexplicably playing the violin.

Ace: The Devil Went Down To Klendathu!

Carmen is watching the video and it actually looks like she’s pretty fond of Johnny and maybe even misses him. Then a girl appears around the corner declaring they’re going to be late and Carmen goes off running like a crazed shot. She’s soon piloting a small shuttle, quite insanely, to a large battleship where she meets her new Captain who reminds me of someone very familiar…

Damn! Does this mean Carmen is to be Seven of Nine to her Janeway? If so then I might have to rethink my irrational dislike of Carmen because I’m a sad lesbian nerd who loves herself some Janeway and Seven subtext. Even if it comes from characters vaguely based off of them.

My giddiness at seeing the Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone is soon replaced by looking at the douchey face of Zander. Who is Zander, you say? The enemy football player that Carmen was flirting with on the sidelines of Johnny’s big future football game. Apparently he’s going to be her flight instructor. Oh wheee. This will be fun to watch. Chemistry-less heterosexual flirting. Dear god, send me back to naked and saucy Dizzy in the co-ed showers already.

Zander: Hey baby. Do you like my bangs? I puffed them up Glamour Shots style just for you.

It’s beyond me how we’re supposed to believe that Zander is Carmen’s age. He’s got wrinkles everywhere and he looks fucking old and not in a hot way in that screencap. But I might be effected by his unnaturally poofy hair. That shit just disturbs me.

Meanwhile, back in thankfully unpoofy hair land our intrepid hero has been made squad leader thanks to winning a capture the flag exercise. Dizzy once again proves her limitless worth and butch hotness by suggesting the winning strategy to Johnny and helping him execute the plan perfectly.

How is possible that he actually looks adorable in his smugness? I baffle at it. Johnny further proves his adorableness by going over to Dizzy and admitting he could have never done it without her help. Dizzy is wary at his approach at first and looks damn appealing doing so.

That expression is just beautifully reluctant and wanting to trust but not sure she can. But Dizzy remains hot for Johnny and accepts his thank you and offer of friendship. Thus changing her lovely expression from wary to semi-sultry happiness. I say semi-sultry because she’s not trying to be sultry and therefore it’s more of a muted sultry effect. Judge for yourself though.

Semi-sultry and sexy smile, baby! Unfortunately the semi-sultry and sexy goes away the moment someone announces that Johnny has a message from Carmen waiting for him. Johnny goes trotting off like the obedient slave boy he is and Dizzy now looks sultry depressed.

Goddammit, Johnny is a douche bag. Not as big as Zander though. I fucking hate that poofy hair. Real men don’t have poofy hair! Nor Glamour Shots bangs. What’s wrong with that guy?

Whatever resentment I feel towards Johnny quickly fades away as I realize four seconds into watching Carmen’s message that she’s totally dumping his ass. I’m surprised it took her this long, honestly. She tries to be sincere as she talks about her love for the stars and flying and blah blah but when I look at Denise Richards complete lack of ability to form expressions this is what I really envision Carmen thinking.

Perhaps it’s Johnny’s angst over being dumped that causes him to screw up royally during his first exercise as a squad leader. They’re doing a live fire exercise which is pretty much what it sounds like, them using actual guns and there being a real chance of someone getting seriously hurt. I won’t go into the gory details but one of the sweeter periphery characters is killed in the process.

Breckinridge: I was a cute and somewhat dopey farm boy who got killed because my helmet didn’t fit properly and Johnny took it off to fix it. Subsequently I got my brains accidentally blown out by another soldier in my squad. It sucked ass.

Accidentally getting a soldier under your command killed isn’t a way out of the mobile infantry though! No sir! Johnny instead is allowed to stay in and receive corporal punishment of several painful lashes across the back. It’s mildly S&M and I’m sure gay boys enjoyed seeing Casper strung up. I mean, I’m a lesbian and I find it strangely attractive.

Paul Verhoeven: You’re being tortured here, Casper. I need you to reflect guilt ridden angst and pain but still be sexy at the same time!
Casper: Grrrrrrrr.
Paul Verhoeven: That’s it!

We go to the rest of the squad who watch Johnny taking his punishment and get a shot of Ace now wearing the squad leader badge. Which isn’t too surprising. Well, I wonder why Dizzy didn’t get it instead of Ace but whatever. We also get a shot of Dizzy wincing along with the whips that Johnny receives.

That’s a woman who would take a lashing for her man. Which makes me think of Carmen who is the complete and utter opposite. I wonder what she’s up to right about now as Johnny is being tortured as a form of military punishment?

Drinking coffee! I hope poofy hair spit in it, you hussy. I find myself puzzled as to why I defend Johnny so fiercely around Carmen because I don’t really like Johnny that much. Maybe it’s because she really was a horrid girlfriend and that’s a trait I pretty much despise in people.

Plus she hogged the man Dizzy wanted just to use him as a plaything when Dizzy genuinely loves the big oaf. Yeah, okay, I’m starting to understand the Johnny defense around Carmen now.

Speaking of Johnny, he’s currently packing up his things to take a walk down washout lane. In non-military slang that means he’s quitting the infantry. Dizzy confronts him about this decision, confused by the fact that he took his punishment which means he’s welcome to stay in the service. Johnny says that he got into the infantry for the wrong reasons (i.e. Carmen) and he got a man killed, that shows he’s not the type of person they need. He then calls his parents, kisses and makes up, and gets a very welcome invitation home. The phone call fades out into darkness and blurry signal in the middle which is a very ominous sign of bad things to come.

Just as he’s walking out of the base, soldiers go running to conveniently located large screen outdoor television sets which show the propaganda news rolling once more. This time it talks about a bug meteor hitting Buenos Aires and wiping the city off the map. That’s right folks, just when Johnny has quit the infantry to go home his home is utterly destroyed beyond all reason. Well, if that isn’t a reason to stay in the service I don’t know what is.

Dizzy: Oh god, Johnny! Everyone back home is–
Johnny: What does wiped out mean?

Since his home is utterly destroyed, Johnny demands to be let back into the infantry and since it’s convenient to the plot, of course they agree. We then descend into another hilarious propaganda news reel but this one hold special significance because it lets us know what Carl is up to.

Well? Doogie looks nice in uniform, doesn’t he? Or maybe not. It’s cool to see Carl finally because I honestly would’ve preferred the second story arc to be about him and his weird scientific bug experiments than to follow Carmen’s non-facial expression adventures as a pilot. But my love for Carl or not, we’re soon focusing back on Johnny who has shipped out to a space station where they’re gathering tons of military folks for a massive attack on Klendathu.

Which is when we meet this guy again. Remember him? Mr. Reporting Live From The Battlefield who gets torn in half quite nicely by a big bug? Ahhh, we’re finally getting to where the movie actually begins. Is it sad I’m mildly excited by that? Probably but oh well.

Know what else is exciting? Or at least fun to look at? How cute and chummy Johnny, Dizzy, and all the infantry people are. Lame as it is I enjoy their obvious camaraderie and I remain jealous of Johnny for getting to sling his arm around Dizzy’s shoulder.

Dizzy looks like she just heard a bad joke that she still finds sort of amusing, doesn’t she? Cute! But what ruins the cuteness? Nothing other than…

Revenge Of The Carmen!

Come on, you totally have to admit her uniform looks like something an Imperialist would wear from the Star Wars universe. Plus she’s got poor Johnny saluting her. Curse her black soul. Which is something I bet Dizzy wishes she could do with Carmen gives her a hesitant but casual greeting.

Carmen: (Off screen.) Hi, Dizzy!
Dizzy: Die, bitch.
Kitten: Damn, that’s cold.
Ace: I love it when chicks fight.

While Ace might love it when chicks fight, Carmen really loves it when men fight. Particularly over her. Which is the first thing Johnny and Zander end up doing when confronted with each other on the space station.

My money is on Johnny on this one. He was trained to beat people up while Zander was trained to fly huge bulky space ships and fetch coffee for women who can’t form facial expressions. It’s easy to see who is superior in this pissing match.

Once the fighting over Carmen is thankfully done with, the infantry buddies go back to being cute again and get matching tattoos. I told you they were being cute, didn’t I?

Death From Above! Cuteeeeeee! I like how strangely excited Dizzy looks.

Cuteness is once again interrupted by the cursed fleet and those damn pilots but at least we get to see to get see Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone again.

Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone: We were supposed to be completely safe flying above this hostile alien planet! Why are they firing things at my ship and putting us precious pilots in danger?

Back on the ground where they’re making a not so successful invasion of Klendathu, Ace freezes in the heat of battle and it’s up to Johnny to take over as squad leader. His brilliant words of direction to his troops?

Kill ‘em all! Ah, this boy deserves the Military Speech Pulitzer. But now we’re finally back up to present time with our poor hero’s fate unknown because he was blurring out of focus. Good thing our next scene is Carmen at the space station looking at a giant television which is scrolling through the status of all the soldiers involved in this disastrous mission.

The television screen never says anything good about Johnny, does it? Damn the television screen to hell! The next shot is one of Carmen trying to appear as if she cares about Johnny’s supposed death. It’s almost painful to watch in the lack of believability it presents.

Paul Verhoeven: You’re upset because you think Johnny is dead, Denise. You grew apart but you still loved him.
Denise: Sniff.
Paul Verhoeven: Ehhhhhh…
Patrick: I think that’s as good as it’s going to get.
Paul Verhoeven: I hate my casting director.

Naturally, we know Johnny’s not really dead because even in a movie about a militaristic future where people battle big alien bugs for survival they don’t kill the hero in the middle! So we’re soon presented with a much amused Dizzy and Ace who run over to where Johnny is recovering in a weird green fish tank from his injuries in battle and show him the piece of incorrect government paperwork which declares him to be a dead man.

It’s wrong they make holding up a Killed In Action paper something cute, isn’t it? I’m sure it is. But it’s cute nevertheless and so is Johnny’s amused smile at his friends antics.

Johnny is soon released from his green watery depths and he and the others find themselves reassigned to a new command. This company calls themselves the Roughnecks and apparently they have a Lieutenant who is quite the ball buster. And I’m quoting Ace directly on that one. Certainly the first appearance of the Lieutenant is an ominous and familiar one.

That’s one hint.

And here’s the reveal. You probably won’t recognize him unless you’ve seen the movie because I didn’t screencap him earlier. The Lieutenant in charge of the Roughnecks is none other than Mr. Rasczak, the History teacher whom Johnny so admired and asked for advice at the Prom. You know, the guy explaining the failure of democracy? He’s an interesting character and it’s pretty cool to see him again. Hell, Johnny and Dizzy are excited about it.

Excited in a restrained military sort of way, of course.

They’re soon shipping out and landing on a planet auspiciously named P. What the hell P stands for I have no idea. Plot Point? Please No? Pontificate? Pinko? Ehhh, I give up. But they’re landing on Planet P and all is fucking boring until a random soldier gets killed and Johnny moves up a rank. It’s actually vaguely amusing how the Lieutenant calmly deals with the death of a soldier and promotes the next. Soon Johnny has to earn his keep because a particularly big ass bug shows up and there’s no fucking way that Raid can take care of this shit.

Big Ass Bug: Bow before me, puny human snack cakes!

While the others freeze in terror at the big ass bug, Johnny flashes back to his gymnastic future football training and does a suicidal flip off a cliff to land on the big ass bug. He’s soon riding him like a very ugly bronco and shooting a huge hole into the bug as to stick in a grenade.

Johnny: This isn’t vaguely sexual in position at all!
Other Soldiers: Righhhhhht.

Whatever jokes can be made about Johnny’s choice in positioning, he gets the job done and the big ass bug is soon blown to smithereens.

Johnny: Who’s the big ass bug now, bitches?
Other Soldiers: You are Johnny!
Johnny: Awww, yeah.

Killing big ass bugs is another reason to move up a rank and now Johnny has become a Sergeant in a span of perhaps thirty minutes. The military in the future is particularly efficient in promotions, I’m thinking. But what’s good about Johnny being a Sergeant means he gets to pick his very own squad leader. He asks Ace who turns it down so naturally next up is Dizzy. She accepts, looking cutely excited in green bug guts goo.

Lt. Rasczak proves his coolness by declaring he expects the best of his people and in exchange he gives the best. Then he pops open huge storage containers which have a shitload of fun stuff including some huge ass keggers and an electric violin which Ace excitedly scoops up. It’s a future big ass bug killing hoedown people. Yee haw! Soon everyone is drinking and having a “we just survived a horrific battle lets show just how alive we are” super fun time.

Dizzy naturally asks Johnny to dance and he’s magically gone back to being an asshole towards her. Although there’s a flicker of hurt, Dizzy quickly recovers and turns her gallant attentions to the much more friendly Sugar who looks at Johnny like he’s an imbecile and skips off to dance with Dizzy.

Dizzy: Dance, good sir?
Sugar: Splendiferous, milady!
Johnny: What the hell are you two saying?

There’s a nice moment of triumph as Johnny pouts at the dancing Dizzy and Sugar then Lt. Rasczak appears and mentions how Johnny once asked for his advice at the Prom. Johnny yes sir’s excitedly in response and Lt. Rasczak gives the wonderfully wise advice on not passing up a good thing. That’s when Johnny looks at the unbearably hot Dizzy and a light bulb finally goes off inside his dim skull.

While Johnny might be incredibly slow about catching on, once he does he doesn’t waste any time. Thus he goes determinedly tromping off and cuts into Dizzy and Sugar’s dance to begin his own very romantic dance with Dizzy whom is naturally ecstatic about the attention. Ace even gets into the fun of things by wandering over to give them a goofy little serenade on the electric violin.

Johnny: You like me, don’t you Dizzy?
Dizzy: Of course, Johnny! (My god he’s dim.)
Ace: Feelings… nothing more than… feelings…

The long overdue show of romantic interest from Johnny leads to Dizzy wanting to rip his clothes off because… well, hell, the girl has been wanting to hit that for years now. Plus she’s in love with the dumb lug and I challenge anyone to not be happy for Dizzy in this moment. Johnny might not be the best idea of a boyfriend but it’s who she wants and it’s a great moment that she’s finally got him. Plus it’s really fucking hot how she takes charge in the bedroom. Just observe.

Fucking hot as it is the moment is also very sweet and romantic but a little painful because of course Dizzy has to confess her love to Johnny.

Dizzy: I love you, Johnny.

When this happens I immediately flash back to Johnny’s own disastrous confession to Carmen and perhaps so does he which is why his response is so gentle. He doesn’t respond but he smiles at her so tenderly that it makes me think while Johnny doesn’t love Dizzy yet he knows that he could. Which is a huge step for the lunkhead and it endears him to me. But the only thing you have to do in this movie to endear yourself to me is to be nice to Dizzy. Which he’s finally done.

Look at that face and tell me he’s not smitten? Johnny is on his way into falling in love with Dizzy and he knows it. Thank god for the audience and for me. I’m sick of Darth Carmen.

Fun in the bunk is soon interrupted by Lt. Rasczak declaring they have orders to ship out. He pauses to wonder what that lump is underneath Johnny’s blankets and up pops a very cute and disheveled looking Dizzy. Honestly, what the hell is with the mobile infantry having such goddamn adorable moments? I thought soldiers were tough, not huggy as hell!

Johnny: (Muted whisper.) I think we’re busted.
Dizzy: (Muted whisper.) Nooo, really?

Bad ass that he might be, Lt. Rasczak is not without a romantic heart and he tells his soldiers that they have fifteen minutes instead of five to get ready. Johhny and Dizzy contemplate if fifteen minutes is enough time then they nod their heads in excited agreement that hell yes it’s more than enough time and the covers go flying as they hurriedly get to stripping.

Dizzy: Fifteen minutes?
Johnny: (Muted whisper.) We can do it.

That’s the actual adorably hormonal dialogue they share. Then, of course…

Blankets go a flyin’!

Unfortunately we can’t stay with Dizzy and Johnny in their bunk having fun for the rest of the movie. Instead the Roughnecks are on the move on Planet P for punk ass and find themselves in a base that’s been ripped to shreds by the big ass bugs. And within a few minutes a legion more are on the way.

Can anyone say screwed? Johnny certainly can because he’s soon on the radio calling for backup. He requests a crazy pilot fly in and save them. Oh ye gods, why the hell me? Whhhhhy? I really didn’t want to deal with her blank expressionless face anymore in this damn movie.

Carmen: You cannot escape your destiny! I’m a major character in this movie!
Me: I hate my life.

As much as I might hate my life, Lt. Rasczak must really hate his because he’s soon falling into a bug hole and getting his legs gnawed off. It’s a particularly gruesome scene and that’s why I cap it. What? I’m a bitch who likes to share her misery. Deal with it.

The Lieutenant knows who he can count on and he looks to Johnny saying he knows what to do. Dizzy stares in horror as Johnny lifts the gun and for a moment he hesitates by then Lt. Rasczak insists again to do it, that this is what he wants, be a soldier and all of that jazz. So Johnny does what his superior wants and he fires the gun.

This might be a mindless action movie but it has some truly good emotional moments and Lt. Rasczak’s death is one of them. It also has some kick ass action sequences and one is coming up when Dizzy sees a big ass bug emerging from the hole where the Lieutenant died.

Because no good thing can last, this awesome action sequence featuring my favorite girl is naturally accompanied by her meeting her fucking doom. Yeah, that’s right, Dizzy kills a big ass bug and is immediately skewered from behind by another. The only comfort I find in this is that Johnny has the same reaction that I do to this horrific scenario.

Since I love Dizzy as much as I do and because she’s the only goddamn reason I watched this movie you’d think I would avoid capping her death, no? Well, let me remind you I’m someone who delights in sharing her pain. If I suffer than the world must suffer with me. Even if the realm of lame recaps. That being so, lets have ourselves a grand old time looking at her death sequence frame by frame.

Me: Sniffle.

Yes, yes, Johnny! That’s exactly how I feel! I finally understand your brilliant words from before!! You must kill them all!! Kill all those fucking bugs but especially the one that killed my only reason for writing this damn recap!!!

Ehhhhh… but first maybe you should make a strategic retreat with Dizzy who isn’t technically dead yet into the relative safety of Darth Carmen’s puny shuttle. Then you can be confronted by the heart aching scene that is Dizzy’s actual death and her last confession of love for you.

Dizzy: At least I got to have you, Johnny.

Wauuuuuugh! My god, what the hell? How is that both touching and the stupidest thing ever to hear?! Jesus she really loved this lugnut and now she’s dead and there’s no more butch hotness and saucy lines and overly sultry and subtly sultry looks! WAUGHHHHHH! I’ve lost my only reason for watching this damn movie!

And why is it that Dizzy can form expressions mere seconds from death when Carmen can’t manage any when she’s all the way alive?

Ugh. I loathe you. Stick your lip in. And at least Johnny shares my rage when he demands that the evil Planet P which killed the only girl who ever really loved him be blown to smithereens.

Because the upper brass are selfish wanks, they refuse naturally and soon the badly beaten soldiers are back on the space station holding Dizzy’s funeral.

Even dead she can make expressions better than Carmen. I’m not sure if I’m pleased or incredibly pissed off by this fact. Probably a little of both and a whole lot of angry they killed the only good female character in this movie besides Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone. Wait. I think she died too.

Goddammit, there are no good females at all anymore! Just fuck this whole stupid movie. I’m not recapping anymore. I only watched it for Dina Meyer hotness and now that hotness has been extinguished and I’m left with She Who Cannot Form An Expression.

That’s it, folks. I’m done. Leave a comment recapping the rest of this Dizzy-less travesty if you want. I’m sure as hell not wasting my time anymore. Do let me know if you feel the same.

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Apple State of Mind

I?m in somewhat of an Apple phase again. What undoubtedly triggered this was the recent Macworld in San Francisco. No, let me rephrase that: it probably was the Consumer Electronics Show a week or so earlier in Las Vegas. Now, CES was definitely interesting. In mere scale it must have been stupefying and beyond imagining. 2,500 exhibitors, 150,000 visitors, booths with gadgets, hardware, software, nanotechnology, gadgets, audio, HD video, games, (did I mention gadgets?) and much, much more. 15 locations stretched as far as the eye could see, so I gather. But it left me wanting even, um, more. I got what I was after from Macworld a week later. Macworld could probably easily fit in its entirety into the Microsoft booth at CES, but it was boundlessly more appealing. The crowds seemed far more enthusiastic, Jobs?s keynote was decidedly more fascinating than Gates?s, and the new product releases made you water at the mouth.

A few days ago I browsed some PC magazine and it suddenly struck me why this whole apple subculture seems to emanate this sleek, cool careless attitude. All the Apple talk you read is always about people making beautiful things on beautiful machines, enjoying themselves, and expressing themselves creatively. PC talk, to the contrary, is all about people trying to protect themselves from every kind of malware thrown at them, trying to save their systems from crashing, and getting lost in endless tweaks and updates and patches. Apple?s latest commercial for the new Intel DualCore processor seems on the mark when it says that, for years the Intel chip has been trapped inside dull little boxes, but will now be set free. From what I?ve seen so far, this seems to be completely the case.

So do I want a Mac? I don?t think so (yet). First off, I don?t know how this would work out on the network I have for my job and would then share with a PC. Secondly, I do get the impression the standard applications you get for your Mac, take the new iLife 06, for example, are far too focused on designing homemade calendars, sending baby shower invites and keeping in touch with auntie Nell. I have no need for all that and would feel trapped on this island of feel-good-nice make-believe that Apple does seem to have incorporated in its genes. So I?ll just dabble along on my boring grey box, trying not to perform boring tasks. In the meantime, I?ll just gasp at the beauty and speed of the new MacBook Pro with iSight and the DualCore iMac both still running Apple?s ever-marvellous Aqua GUI.

Movie Recap: Starship Troopers

I begin this recap with a short ode to the actress Dina Meyer. She who is hot and talented but cursed to appear in many a bad movie and television series because the Hollywood establishment seems unaware of both the hot and the talent she contains. Dina, whom is a crush of many a lesbian, and would be absolutely perfect for The L Word or any other lesbian project because, my god, look at her! And listen to her husky voice! What the hell is wrong with you people? Give her decent work! I’m sick of watching her in movies like Bats and D-Tox!

That being said, despite the rather simplistic and warped take on the original book it’s based on, Starship Troopers is probably one of the best projects in which Dina appears. Which is why I recap it now. Yes, I’m recapping this movie solely based on the fact she appears in it. I’m being honest about my weird love for her so it will help the healing process so lets just move on, shall we?

Imdb.com gives this to the point plot summary of the movie: Humans of a fascistic, militaristic future do battle with giant alien bugs in a fight for survival.

Wheeeeee! Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Not really but Dina Meyer is in it! Which is my motivation for starting this recap. I know, it’s sad I’m doing this but I had thought we all moved on from that. Have we moved on? We have? Fantastic! Lets look at the title sequence.

Well, that bodes well for an interesting film, don’t you think? Ehhhh. Maybe not. No worries though. Things get super funny when it immediately goes from the boring title into a propaganda news reel that is recruiting people to sign up for citizenship and fight their big bug enemies.

I particularly enjoy the "Klendathu System" "You Are Here" portion of the news reel. It makes me giggle and it points out that a good bit of this movie is satirical. At least, when it comes to the news portion. Most of it is a nice parody of the propaganda put out during the WWII period. Although they don’t have any quality stuff like, "How to brush your teeth."

Still! Given my distaste for the honest and fair news we’re getting in our current society I enjoy the poking fun at the news establishment in this movie. Which is why I enjoy this next bit quite a lot.

See above: Reporter acting like he’s doing "hard hitting" news because he’s standing around while actual soldiers fight the big bug enemies. But he’s hard hitting because he’s near the soldiers while they’re fighting and therefore that makes him equal to them. He’s risking his life by acting like a jackass, see?

See above: Big bug comes around the corner towards the reporter.

See above: 1) Top of the reporter. 2) Bottom of the reporter.

Now don’t you wish that would happen to Tucker Carlson or some other drivel spouting talking head on the news? :::Envisions a whole army of big bugs taking out everyone at Fox News::: Oh, happy days.

After the reporter dies we get introduced to our hero, Johnny Rico, who appears in the camera screaming for the stupid camera guy to get the hell out of there. He’s very emphatic about it too.

Paul Verhoeven: I need you to reflect anxiety here, Casper. Manic manly soldier anxiety.
Casper: Eeeeeee!
Paul Verhoeven: Yes, precisely.

There’s some off camera crazed shooting and some screams which sound like they’re coming from Johnny and then it goes into a drop the camera Blair Witch Project shot. Except, you know, Blair Witch Project hasn’t come out yet. So technically they totally stole this shot from Starship Troopers. Zing!

Johnny: I’m… blurrin’… outta… focus… Sarge…

What comes after such a traumatizing introduction? Well, another enthralling title sequence, of course!

I quiver with excitement. That sounds sort of dirty, doesn’t it? I take it back then. I’ll be quivering with excitement when Dina finally shows up not from these hilariously bland title sequences.

Know what else is hilarious? Johnny’s drawing skills. Instead of paying attention in class, Johnny is busy doodling a picture of what appears to be a boy and a girl. But you can judge for yourself.

Okay, so maybe he’s not that bad. He’s not that good either. Admit it! But why is it that Johnny isn’t paying attention in class? Mostly because he finds the subject boring I would suppose. I’m not sure why though. It’s a pretty interesting one, if you ask me. Want to hear about the topic of discussion from the History teacher Mr. Rasczak himself? Sure you do!

The failure of democracy, huh? I know when that happened!

Sorry, I know it’s lame and ultra liberal to do such things but… oh fuck, I’m not sorry. Plus it’s funny too. And it’s not like I called him a Nazi or anything. Yet! :::Insert swell of dramatic music:::

Lets get away from my small minded liberal George W. Bush bashing because it’s time for me to get busy quivering with excitement as we’re about to be graced with Dina’s presence for the first time in the movie. And what is splendiferous Dina playing the somewhat dorkily named Dizzy Flores doing in her first appearance?

Being super cute trying to spy on Johnny to see his bad boy/girl romance drawing. Awww, Dizzy! This scene sets up that our favorite girl has a crush on the earnest but decidedly dimwitted hero of the film. Which is how it tends to go a lot of the time. Real life and movies alike.

Anyway, Dizzy attempts spying and Johnny hides his masterpiece from her. Which turns out to be an animation of the boy and girl getting closer until they end up making out.

He then sends this to his girlfriend, Carmen Ibanez, who smirks then edits the animation and sends it right back his way. Except with not nearly as romantic an ending as before.

Ohhh, burn! This is the first sign we get that Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny. I was parodying a self help book for heterosexual women in the dating scene in case you have no clue about that joke. What? It’s a real book! Check it out.

I wonder if they have a male counterpart for this book that Johnny can purchase? Because I think the poor guy would get good use out of it later on in life. That’s unless he magically is able to see which hot girls really and truly like him and which ones just find him an amusing little jaunt. And Carmen?

Yeah, she’s on a jaunt.

They’re soon making out like the original animation entails and I guess it’s more like Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny’s Brain. Which, honestly, I can’t blame her. But it’s really sad when you’re playing a character dumber than someone played by Denise Richards. How dumb is Johnny, you wonder?

:::Stretches her arms out wide as they can reach::: Thissssssssss dumb!

Johnny got a 35% on his Math Final in case you can’t read around his big dumb head. Poor Johnny. I actually do feel sorry for him since his math score was normal sized until his best friend Carl showed up and decided to put it on the big screen. I describe him as best friend loosely. You know, the high school version. Which basically means you hang out a lot together but you don’t really share all that much in terms of your hopes, dreams, and all that jazz. But you do drink beer.

Now that they’re done humiliating poor Johnny it’s time to head off to science class which is being taught by a blind and creepy looking Rue McClanahan aka Blanche from The Golden Girls. I’m not sure why but I find her performance pretty hilarious. Just check out this line from her…

I can’t explain why that line makes me giggle so much but it does. I’ve come to grips with that fact and so should you. Just like Carmen should come to grips with the fact she’s a big wussy who can’t take dissecting a few giant bugs. The reason I find this scene a good smack down for Carmen is she spent the scene before talking about the nerves of steel future pilots, meaning her, need to have. Plus she also had a self superior smirk on her face when seeing Johnny’s low math score.

Not so superior now are we Miss Pukes-A-Lot?

As a side note, I have to mention how hilarious Dizzy looks in the background cracking up at Carmen’s obvious misery. Carl looks a combination of curious and disdainful. While Rue just appears perplexed about how cutting open a giant bug would cause anyone to barf.

The fun of science class and Carmen humiliating herself soon ends and we’re joined by Johnny and Carl doing what appears to be a psychic abilities test. One which Johnny is flunking badly. Basically Johnny stares at the back of the card, supposedly concentrates, and tries to see what is. Either Johnny isn’t psychic or he’s not able to concentrate because he gets the damn test wrong time after time.

During the psychic midterm Carl’s pet ferret shows up and crawls all over the computer keyboard and generally is cute and extremely ferret like. While Johnny is amused by this, Carl wants to continue with his testing and orders his pet away with some telepathic guidance.

Something which is altogether cool but disturbing at the same time and reminds me of a modern day figure who gets paid to do the same thing on television.

What? Don’t tell me it doesn’t freak you out a little when Cesar Milan inexplicably gets those dogs to obey! I think he’s got freaky dog telepathy powers. Dog Whisperer, indeed. Dog Psychic more like it.

Once we’re done witnessing the power of Carl’s ferret mind control it’s time to go to something which is a tradition for any movie featuring teenagers. Even ones set in a militaristic future where they battle big alien bugs for survival. What’s that? The big game!

Yes, it’s time to watch Johnny playing future football and he’s doing quite a good job of it too. That’s until he spots his girlfriend busy flirting with a player from the opposite team on the sidelines. Again, I reiterate the fact that Carmen’s Just Not That Into Johnny.

See Johnny burning with jealousy! And Dizzy being hot as hell as the quarterback.

Watch Carmen being a bad girlfriend and flirt with the enemy!

Witness and hear Dizzy’s hilarious smack down of Johnny! Bwahahahaha. Sorry, but that was both the hottest and funniest thing ever. Especially her last facial expression. Ah, how I love butch women.

Me loving butch women is also why I captured the above shots of Dizzy easily taking out two of the opposing players who attempt to tackle her. :::Sigh::: Why can’t I be born in a militaristic future with Dizzy where they battle big alien bugs for survival? God hates me I guess.

God also hates Johnny’s football enemies because his team wins the big game which means it’s time to move to the other timeless teenager tradition. The Prom!

Awww, isn’t Johnny handsome? But what the hell is this movie turning into anyway? Fast Times At Ridgemont High In Space? Wait, they’re not in space. Whatever. You get the bad joke. I’m starting to get sick of this damn teen drama stuff though. I want to move onto the bug killing already!

I take it back. Space, errr, future Prom is a fabulous thing. Especially since it features Dizzy wearing that dress. If you can’t tell, Dizzy is on the hunt and yes, predictably she’s hunting for Johnny. When Carmen runs off to schmooze with some random student whose brother is in her precious flight academy Dizzy moves in for the kill and finagles a dance out of the reluctant hero.

Again, I reiterate Dizzy is very obviously hot for Johnny. And that Johnny is a fucking moron for not realizing this is a girl who actually likes him and not one that looks down on him as a handsome but dimwitted sex toy. Dizzy for some odd reason thinks the bastard has depth.

The scene is altogether hot if only for the expression Dizzy wears while dancing with Johnny and the strangely hypnotic future pop music playing. I really love the music in this scene and I feel oddly driven to figure out the band responsible.

Something else that makes it hot is the fact that Johnny asks Dizzy if she’s going to attend college in Buenos Aires or Tokyo. Dizzy replies that probably Buenos Aires unless Tokyo lets her be a starter. Ohhhh yes, people, Dizzy is on scholarship for playing future college football! I’m sorry, but that’s fucking hot in its butchness. I loves it.

Dizzy: Take me, Johnny! Can’t you see I’m sultry for you?
Johnny: I’m sorry, Dizzy. I have to go. I think I hear Carmen directing veiled insults at me from a distance.

Like the sympathetic madly in love girl that she is, Dizzy allows Johnny to venture off but not in search of Carmen but the History teacher Mr. Rasczak with whom he wishes to discuss his future. Dizzy looks hotly depressed for a few moments then Carl shows up and does a funny little dance and forever endears himself to me for the way he makes Dizzy smile.

If that’s not the cutest thing ever, I dunno what is. Okay, maybe like… a field full of puppies romping together is cuter. But still, it’s pretty damn cute if you ask me.

It’s a hell of a lot cuter than the display of jealousy we see from Dizzy when she and Carl dance near the now making out Johnny and Carmen.

Dizzy: Are you a moron? Just because she’s making out with you doesn’t change the fact that she’s just not that into you, Johnny.
Johnny: Who isn’t just that into me?
Carl: Man, he’s stupid.
Carmen: Would the both of you please go away? I’m trying to weave a web of seduction here that will make him my brainless love slave.

Why are Carmen and Johnny making out? Oh, just because Johnny’s decided to follow in his girlfriend’s footsteps and sign up for federal service. And it says something about Carmen that her immediate reaction on hearing that is to be thrown into a tizzy of lust.

Carmen: You’ve bowed down completely to my way of thinking, changed the course of your entire life simply to please me, risked being disowned by your parents, and possibly being killed in battle by big alien bugs. Therefore, I will finally allow you to have sex with me tonight.
Johnny: Score!

Predictably, Johnny’s rich parents aren’t too happy he signed up for federal service and once Johnny sees his future in front of him at the recruitment center neither is he. Carmen naturally gets into the flight academy, Carl is in games & theory which is for military intelligence, and poor dumb Johnny ends up in the military infantry. The guy checking them in asks them their various assignments and gets very excited on hearing Johnny’s. Turns out he was in the infantry too. What’s left of him, that is.

If that’s not having second thoughts, I dunno what is.

Despite Johnny being confronted with a very grim and possibly limbless future, they leave the recruitment center full of cheerful teenage enthusiasm for the future. They vow to be best friends forever despite the fact they’ll probably never see each other again. Awww!

Johnny, Carmen, Carl: Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated!

We?re gonna do it!
Give us any chance, we?ll take it.
Give us any rule, we?ll break it.
We?re gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin? it our way.
Nothin?s gonna turn us back now,
Straight ahead and on the track now.
We?re gonna make our dreams come true,
Doin? it our way.
There is nothing we won?t try,
Never heard the word impossible.
This time there?s no stopping us.
We?re gonna do it.
On your mark, get set, and go now,
Got a dream and we just know now,
We?re gonna make our dream come true.
And we?ll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true,
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you.

Yes, I just typed out the lyrics for the Laverne & Shirley theme song and provided a wav of it. No, I have no idea why. That’s what popped into my head when I saw the screencap. Lets go with it, shall we? Go with it like Carmen trying to block out Johnny’s love confession when they’re soon leaving the recruitment center to their various assignments.

And sadly, that’s pretty much how the scene goes. Except Johnny manages to guilt trip a love confession out of Carmen that doesn’t seem entirely sincere. But he gets what he wanted, no matter how hollow it appears, and seems happy until Carmen is off in her shuttle and he’s once again faced with the reality of his own military assignment. Seriously, this kid is screwed.

Of course, the best way to take our minds off of Johnny’s doomed future is another hilarious propaganda news reel! Lets check it out and have ourselves a giggle.

Hee. I love me some propaganda news. When it’s not presented as reality by Fox News, that is.

What Johnny doesn’t love so much is bad ass military infantry boot camp. Especially when Dizzy shows up as a transfer into his squad. Apparently she requested to be placed with him and yes, folks, it is yet more proof that Dizzy is hot for Johnny. Too bad he’s so damn pissy about this fact.

Dizzy: Johnny! I’m still sultry for you but I’m repressing it. Can you tell? It’s why I transferred into your squad.

Johnny: I still don’t care! I sacrificed my rich boy lifestyle for Carmen’s ideals and it totally doesn’t appeal to me that you’re into me so much you requested a transfer into my squad that has the most bad ass Sergeant ever. I spurn you totally, Dizzy.

Dizzy: Since Johnny spurns me I’ll have to display my butch prowess to the rest of the squad showing them at least how fucking desirable I am. Lets fight, bad ass Sergeant Zim! Put ‘em up!

Lesbians: Damnnnnn! I want to hit that.

Johnny: I totally could’ve hit that.
Guy Standing Behind Johnny: Sheah, right.

After Dizzy’s fight with Sergeant Zim it’s chow time and Dizzy confronts Johnny about his generally pissy attitude towards her. He says that he signed up for the infantry to get out on his own. Which is a huge lie since he obviously did it for Carmen but that’s the lie he’s telling himself and he declares that he can’t be on his own if Dizzy is signing up for the infantry just to be near him.

Dizzy reacts with quiet anger at the idea she signed up for the infantry for Johnny and for some reason I find myself believing her when she says that, despite the fact that she’s totally into Johnny. I think it must be Dina Meyer’s magical skills of acting or something. Or maybe I just really want to believe Dizzy isn’t that obsessed with Johnny that she’d throw away playing hotly butch college football just to be near him killing big alien bugs.

Even if Dizzy did sign up for the infantry just to be near Johnny it doesn’t change the fact that she’s doing damn well in boot camp. Just check out her triumphant moves on the obstacle course.

This proves that even if Dizzy did sign up for the infantry for Johnny just like Johnny signed up for federal service for Carmen she’s still a better soldier than him. Plus she’s sultry so nyah on Johnny.

Later in the co-ed showers, one of the infantry guys is quizzing everyone about why they joined up and Johnny refuses to give his answer. Mostly because it would be embarrassing to admit he’s totally Carmen’s bitch and does whatever she bids of him. Dizzy saunters in casually and strips down then gets questioned about why Johnny joined up. Feeling saucy, Dizzy replies it’s for a girl.

See what I told you? Saucy Dizzy! Don’t you want to lick her up? Errr… I’ll be quiet now.

Okay, quiet time is over. Soon Johnny is sending a message to Carmen from the chaos that is the co-ed bunk house and it’s generally a pretty hilarious and cute moment with his fellow squad members goofing off behind him. My favorite is how Ace is inexplicably playing the violin.

Ace: The Devil Went Down To Klendathu!

Carmen is watching the video and it actually looks like she’s pretty fond of Johnny and maybe even misses him. Then a girl appears around the corner declaring they’re going to be late and Carmen goes off running like a crazed shot. She’s soon piloting a small shuttle, quite insanely, to a large battleship where she meets her new Captain who reminds me of someone very familiar…

Damn! Does this mean Carmen is to be Seven of Nine to her Janeway? If so then I might have to rethink my irrational dislike of Carmen because I’m a sad lesbian nerd who loves herself some Janeway and Seven subtext. Even if it comes from characters vaguely based off of them.

My giddiness at seeing the Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone is soon replaced by looking at the douchey face of Zander. Who is Zander, you say? The enemy football player that Carmen was flirting with on the sidelines of Johnny’s big future football game. Apparently he’s going to be her flight instructor. Oh wheee. This will be fun to watch. Chemistry-less heterosexual flirting. Dear god, send me back to naked and saucy Dizzy in the co-ed showers already.

Zander: Hey baby. Do you like my bangs? I puffed them up Glamour Shots style just for you.

It’s beyond me how we’re supposed to believe that Zander is Carmen’s age. He’s got wrinkles everywhere and he looks fucking old and not in a hot way in that screencap. But I might be effected by his unnaturally poofy hair. That shit just disturbs me.

Meanwhile, back in thankfully unpoofy hair land our intrepid hero has been made squad leader thanks to winning a capture the flag exercise. Dizzy once again proves her limitless worth and butch hotness by suggesting the winning strategy to Johnny and helping him execute the plan perfectly.

How is possible that he actually looks adorable in his smugness? I baffle at it. Johnny further proves his adorableness by going over to Dizzy and admitting he could have never done it without her help. Dizzy is wary at his approach at first and looks damn appealing doing so.

That expression is just beautifully reluctant and wanting to trust but not sure she can. But Dizzy remains hot for Johnny and accepts his thank you and offer of friendship. Thus changing her lovely expression from wary to semi-sultry happiness. I say semi-sultry because she’s not trying to be sultry and therefore it’s more of a muted sultry effect. Judge for yourself though.

Semi-sultry and sexy smile, baby! Unfortunately the semi-sultry and sexy goes away the moment someone announces that Johnny has a message from Carmen waiting for him. Johnny goes trotting off like the obedient slave boy he is and Dizzy now looks sultry depressed.

Goddammit, Johnny is a douche bag. Not as big as Zander though. I fucking hate that poofy hair. Real men don’t have poofy hair! Nor Glamour Shots bangs. What’s wrong with that guy?

Whatever resentment I feel towards Johnny quickly fades away as I realize four seconds into watching Carmen’s message that she’s totally dumping his ass. I’m surprised it took her this long, honestly. She tries to be sincere as she talks about her love for the stars and flying and blah blah but when I look at Denise Richards complete lack of ability to form expressions this is what I really envision Carmen thinking.

Perhaps it’s Johnny’s angst over being dumped that causes him to screw up royally during his first exercise as a squad leader. They’re doing a live fire exercise which is pretty much what it sounds like, them using actual guns and there being a real chance of someone getting seriously hurt. I won’t go into the gory details but one of the sweeter periphery characters is killed in the process.

Breckinridge: I was a cute and somewhat dopey farm boy who got killed because my helmet didn’t fit properly and Johnny took it off to fix it. Subsequently I got my brains accidentally blown out by another soldier in my squad. It sucked ass.

Accidentally getting a soldier under your command killed isn’t a way out of the mobile infantry though! No sir! Johnny instead is allowed to stay in and receive corporal punishment of several painful lashes across the back. It’s mildly S&M and I’m sure gay boys enjoyed seeing Casper strung up. I mean, I’m a lesbian and I find it strangely attractive.

Paul Verhoeven: You’re being tortured here, Casper. I need you to reflect guilt ridden angst and pain but still be sexy at the same time!
Casper: Grrrrrrrr.
Paul Verhoeven: That’s it!

We go to the rest of the squad who watch Johnny taking his punishment and get a shot of Ace now wearing the squad leader badge. Which isn’t too surprising. Well, I wonder why Dizzy didn’t get it instead of Ace but whatever. We also get a shot of Dizzy wincing along with the whips that Johnny receives.

That’s a woman who would take a lashing for her man. Which makes me think of Carmen who is the complete and utter opposite. I wonder what she’s up to right about now as Johnny is being tortured as a form of military punishment?

Drinking coffee! I hope poofy hair spit in it, you hussy. I find myself puzzled as to why I defend Johnny so fiercely around Carmen because I don’t really like Johnny that much. Maybe it’s because she really was a horrid girlfriend and that’s a trait I pretty much despise in people.

Plus she hogged the man Dizzy wanted just to use him as a plaything when Dizzy genuinely loves the big oaf. Yeah, okay, I’m starting to understand the Johnny defense around Carmen now.

Speaking of Johnny, he’s currently packing up his things to take a walk down washout lane. In non-military slang that means he’s quitting the infantry. Dizzy confronts him about this decision, confused by the fact that he took his punishment which means he’s welcome to stay in the service. Johnny says that he got into the infantry for the wrong reasons (i.e. Carmen) and he got a man killed, that shows he’s not the type of person they need. He then calls his parents, kisses and makes up, and gets a very welcome invitation home. The phone call fades out into darkness and blurry signal in the middle which is a very ominous sign of bad things to come.

Just as he’s walking out of the base, soldiers go running to conveniently located large screen outdoor television sets which show the propaganda news rolling once more. This time it talks about a bug meteor hitting Buenos Aires and wiping the city off the map. That’s right folks, just when Johnny has quit the infantry to go home his home is utterly destroyed beyond all reason. Well, if that isn’t a reason to stay in the service I don’t know what is.

Dizzy: Oh god, Johnny! Everyone back home is–
Johnny: What does wiped out mean?

Since his home is utterly destroyed, Johnny demands to be let back into the infantry and since it’s convenient to the plot, of course they agree. We then descend into another hilarious propaganda news reel but this one hold special significance because it lets us know what Carl is up to.

Well? Doogie looks nice in uniform, doesn’t he? Or maybe not. It’s cool to see Carl finally because I honestly would’ve preferred the second story arc to be about him and his weird scientific bug experiments than to follow Carmen’s non-facial expression adventures as a pilot. But my love for Carl or not, we’re soon focusing back on Johnny who has shipped out to a space station where they’re gathering tons of military folks for a massive attack on Klendathu.

Which is when we meet this guy again. Remember him? Mr. Reporting Live From The Battlefield who gets torn in half quite nicely by a big bug? Ahhh, we’re finally getting to where the movie actually begins. Is it sad I’m mildly excited by that? Probably but oh well.

Know what else is exciting? Or at least fun to look at? How cute and chummy Johnny, Dizzy, and all the infantry people are. Lame as it is I enjoy their obvious camaraderie and I remain jealous of Johnny for getting to sling his arm around Dizzy’s shoulder.

Dizzy looks like she just heard a bad joke that she still finds sort of amusing, doesn’t she? Cute! But what ruins the cuteness? Nothing other than…

Revenge Of The Carmen!

Come on, you totally have to admit her uniform looks like something an Imperialist would wear from the Star Wars universe. Plus she’s got poor Johnny saluting her. Curse her black soul. Which is something I bet Dizzy wishes she could do with Carmen gives her a hesitant but casual greeting.

Carmen: (Off screen.) Hi, Dizzy!
Dizzy: Die, bitch.
Kitten: Damn, that’s cold.
Ace: I love it when chicks fight.

While Ace might love it when chicks fight, Carmen really loves it when men fight. Particularly over her. Which is the first thing Johnny and Zander end up doing when confronted with each other on the space station.

My money is on Johnny on this one. He was trained to beat people up while Zander was trained to fly huge bulky space ships and fetch coffee for women who can’t form facial expressions. It’s easy to see who is superior in this pissing match.

Once the fighting over Carmen is thankfully done with, the infantry buddies go back to being cute again and get matching tattoos. I told you they were being cute, didn’t I?

Death From Above! Cuteeeeeee! I like how strangely excited Dizzy looks.

Cuteness is once again interrupted by the cursed fleet and those damn pilots but at least we get to see to get see Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone again.

Younger, Hotter, Janeway Clone: We were supposed to be completely safe flying above this hostile alien planet! Why are they firing things at my ship and putting us precious pilots in danger?

Back on the ground where they’re making a not so successful invasion of Klendathu, Ace freezes in the heat of battle and it’s up to Johnny to take over as squad leader. His brilliant words of direction to his troops?

Kill ‘em all! Ah, this boy deserves the Military Speech Pulitzer. But now we’re finally back up to present time with our poor hero’s fate unknown because he was blurring out of focus. Good thing our next scene is Carmen at the space station looking at a giant television which is scrolling through the status of all the soldiers involved in this disastrous mission.

The television screen never says anything good about Johnny, does it? Damn the television screen to hell! The next shot is one of Carmen trying to appear as if she cares about Johnny’s supposed death. It’s almost painful to watch in the lack of believability it presents.

Paul Verhoeven: You’re upset because you think Johnny is dead, Denise. You grew apart but you still loved him.
Denise: Sniff.
Paul Verhoeven: Ehhhhhh…
Patrick: I think that’s as good as it’s going to get.
Paul Verhoeven: I hate my casting director.

Naturally, we know Johnny’s not really dead because even in a movie about a militaristic future where people battle big alien bugs for survival they don’t kill the hero in the middle! So we’re soon presented with a much amused Dizzy and Ace who run over to where Johnny is recovering in a weird green fish tank from his injuries in battle and show him the piece of incorrect government paperwork which declares him to be a dead man.

It’s wrong they make holding up a Killed In Action paper something cute, isn’t it? I’m sure it is. But it’s cute nevertheless and so is Johnny’s amused smile at his friends antics.

Johnny is soon released from his green watery depths and he and the others find themselves reassigned to a new command. This company calls themselves the Roughnecks and apparently they have a Lieutenant who is quite the ball buster. And I’m quoting Ace directly on that one. Certainly the first appearance of the Lieutenant is an ominous and familiar one.

That’s one hint.

And here’s the reveal. You probably won’t recognize him unless you’ve seen the movie because I didn’t screencap him earlier. The Lieutenant in charge of the Roughnecks is none other than Mr. Rasczak, the History teacher whom Johnny so admired and asked for advice at the Prom. You know, the guy explaining the failure of democracy? He’s an interesting character and it’s pretty cool to see him again. Hell, Johnny and Dizzy are excited about it.

Excited in a restrained military sort of way, of course.

They’re soon shipping out and landing on a planet auspiciously named P. What the hell P stands for I have no idea. Plot Point? Please No? Pontificate? Pinko? Ehhh, I give up. But they’re landing on Planet P and all is fucking boring until a random soldier gets killed and Johnny moves up a rank. It’s actually vaguely amusing how the Lieutenant calmly deals with the death of a soldier and promotes the next. Soon Johnny has to earn his keep because a particularly big ass bug shows up and there’s no fucking way that Raid can take care of this shit.

Big Ass Bug: Bow before me, puny human snack cakes!

While the others freeze in terror at the big ass bug, Johnny flashes back to his gymnastic future football training and does a suicidal flip off a cliff to land on the big ass bug. He’s soon riding him like a very ugly bronco and shooting a huge hole into the bug as to stick in a grenade.

Johnny: This isn’t vaguely sexual in position at all!
Other Soldiers: Righhhhhht.

Whatever jokes can be made about Johnny’s choice in positioning, he gets the job done and the big ass bug is soon blown to smithereens.

Johnny: Who’s the big ass bug now, bitches?
Other Soldiers: You are Johnny!
Johnny: Awww, yeah.

Killing big ass bugs is another reason to move up a rank and now Johnny has become a Sergeant in a span of perhaps thirty minutes. The military in the future is particularly efficient in promotions, I’m thinking. But what’s good about Johnny being a Sergeant means he gets to pick his very own squad leader. He asks Ace who turns it down so naturally next up is Dizzy. She accepts, looking cutely excited in green bug guts goo.

Lt. Rasczak proves his coolness by declaring he expects the best of his people and in exchange he gives the best. Then he pops open huge storage containers which have a shitload of fun stuff including some huge ass keggers and an electric violin which Ace excitedly scoops up. It’s a future big ass bug killing hoedown people. Yee haw! Soon everyone is drinking and having a “we just survived a horrific battle lets show just how alive we are” super fun time.

Dizzy naturally asks Johnny to dance and he’s magically gone back to being an asshole towards her. Although there’s a flicker of hurt, Dizzy quickly recovers and turns her gallant attentions to the much more friendly Sugar who looks at Johnny like he’s an imbecile and skips off to dance with Dizzy.

Dizzy: Dance, good sir?
Sugar: Splendiferous, milady!
Johnny: What the hell are you two saying?

There’s a nice moment of triumph as Johnny pouts at the dancing Dizzy and Sugar then Lt. Rasczak appears and mentions how Johnny once asked for his advice at the Prom. Johnny yes sir’s excitedly in response and Lt. Rasczak gives the wonderfully wise advice on not passing up a good thing. That’s when Johnny looks at the unbearably hot Dizzy and a light bulb finally goes off inside his dim skull.

While Johnny might be incredibly slow about catching on, once he does he doesn’t waste any time. Thus he goes determinedly tromping off and cuts into Dizzy and Sugar’s dance to begin his own very romantic dance with Dizzy whom is naturally ecstatic about the attention. Ace even gets into the fun of things by wandering over to give them a goofy little serenade on the electric violin.

Johnny: You like me, don’t you Dizzy?
Dizzy: Of course, Johnny! (My god he’s dim.)
Ace: Feelings… nothing more than… feelings…

The long overdue show of romantic interest from Johnny leads to Dizzy wanting to rip his clothes off because… well, hell, the girl has been wanting to hit that for years now. Plus she’s in love with the dumb lug and I challenge anyone to not be happy for Dizzy in this moment. Johnny might not be the best idea of a boyfriend but it’s who she wants and it’s a great moment that she’s finally got him. Plus it’s really fucking hot how she takes charge in the bedroom. Just observe.

Fucking hot as it is the moment is also very sweet and romantic but a little painful because of course Dizzy has to confess her love to Johnny.

Dizzy: I love you, Johnny.

When this happens I immediately flash back to Johnny’s own disastrous confession to Carmen and perhaps so does he which is why his response is so gentle. He doesn’t respond but he smiles at her so tenderly that it makes me think while Johnny doesn’t love Dizzy yet he knows that he could. Which is a huge step for the lunkhead and it endears him to me. But the only thing you have to do in this movie to endear yourself to me is to be nice to Dizzy. Which he’s finally done.

Look at that face and tell me he’s not smitten? Johnny is on his way into falling in love with Dizzy and he knows it. Thank god for the audience and for me. I’m sick of Darth Carmen.

Fun in the bunk is soon interrupted by Lt. Rasczak declaring they have orders to ship out. He pauses to wonder what that lump is underneath Johnny’s blankets and up pops a very cute and disheveled l